I just finished reading John Maxwell’s, “Intentional Living.” In the book, he talks about knowing your why in life. He says, “Once you find your why, you will be able to find your way.” He goes on to say that the why is your purpose, and the way is your path. I believe the same applies to dating. I teach a class called, “Secrets to Successful Dating,” and the first exercise we do determines your why.
Would you leave on a trip without a destination? Not if you intended to get someplace in particular. The first thing most people do when they get into the car is to put a destination into their GPS. You need a destination in mind in dating as well. This is your purpose for dating which leads you to the path and your final destination. Too many singles date without knowing their why and then become frustrated and may even give up hope.
Knowing your why is the first step. It gives you confidence, determination, and hope to keep going until you find what you are searching for. It is important to be ready to date in order to be successful. It takes the right frame of mind. Frequently, it requires letting go of negative beliefs and thoughts from the past and about the future. Is your life full of anger or disappointment from the past? This will block your path to your future.
Creating a positive space in your life for a partner to fill is essential. Take time to think about your vision of the future including a partner in your life. Why do you need this person in your life? I know that we are sometimes told we should not need a partner. I agree that it is not healthy to look for a partner to fix your life, or to expect a partner to meet all of your needs, or be responsible for your happiness. If you desire a partner, there are things you need from the relationship. Do you need them to have a deep connection with you? Do you need a partner to have a satisfying sexual relationship with? Do you need a partner to raise children with? You get the idea; this partner adds something to your life that no one else does. It is a positive take on needing someone in your life. Envision this need or space in your life that you want to be filled. Then make space in your life for the relationship. Create your vision of the future and let this be your why. Let it guide you along your path to find your special partner. Start and end your day with this vision. When my clients do this exercise, they make small changes in their lives that make a big difference in their success in dating. They might dress nicer, smile more often, have a more positive attitude, flirt more, try new things, and ultimately attract more people into their lives.
Now it is time for you to discover you why. Start by creating your vision of the future. Here is an example from a chapter in my book, Unmasking Secrets to Unstoppable Relationships: How to Find, Keep and Renew Love and Passion in Your Life, to help you.
I want you to think about your ideal life with a partner. You are creating an ideal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Spend some time just jotting down notes and thoughts about what your relationship would look and feel like. Imagine the life you want to live with your partner. What do you want to create and share in this relationship? How will you feel when you are in the relationship? How do you spend time together? How much time do you spend together daily, weekly, or monthly? You might also include ideas regarding family life, finances, friends, careers, spirituality, health, and hobbies.
Now that you have your notes, it is time to come up with a list or a written narrative of your life together. You can do both or just one, whichever feels more natural to you. Some people like to have lists, and others prefer a more free-flowing narrative. Whichever you decide to do, write it in the present tense as if it already exists. Also, write it with positive statements rather than what you do not want. Here are a few examples of statements:
- We laugh and have fun together.
- We trust each other.
- We communicate easily.
- We settle differences peacefully.
- We share private time together daily.
- We share similar parenting philosophies and are good parents.
- We have an active and satisfying sex life.
I want you to keep this list close at hand and read it often.
Now that you have your why, it is time to start down the path to finding your ideal partner.
If I can help, contact me for a free strategy session.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS