You are happy with the way things are going in your relationship, and are ready to take it the next level. This could mean moving in together or getting married. He is happy with the way things are going as well, but to him that means not making any changes in the relationship. What do you do when you are ready for a commitment, but he is not?
Differences between men and women
This is one of those times where the differences in men and women become very clear. Generally speaking, men are happy with a relationship when they have a physical connection. Women need more; they need an emotional connection as well. Women need an emotional connection to feel intimate, and men need to feel physical intimacy to feel love. He may be satisfied with the dating relationship, but she is not. She wants to move forward, and he may be resistant or not ready.
At this point, women usually do one of two things. They either go along with what he wants but they do not feel good about it, or they demand that he marry her or she will end the relationship. Neither approach is the best or the one that gets the results she is looking for. Even if he agrees to move forward, she is going to wonder if he only did so because she was pressuring him. She wants him to want to commit to her freely. Men do not respond well to ultimatums. This is masculine energy which coming from a woman turns men off. It will also feel controlling, and men do not like feeling controlled. It is equally unhealthy for her to deny her needs and wants in the relationship by agreeing to continue as is.
Best course of action
There is a better option for both partners. If you find yourself in this situation, try sharing your feelings without blame or drama. Let him know that you really want a relationship with a commitment. Communicate that you don’t want to pressure him in any way; you want him to want the relationship as well. Express your ideas in a way that does not make him feel bad or defensive. You can let him know that you love him, but you are starting to wonder if the two of you are right for each other. You can let him know that you are feeling a little distant from him, and it might be a good idea to pull back some in the relationship. Make it clear that you are not ending the relationship and that he has not done anything wrong. You just want some time to evaluate if this is the right relationship for the both of you.
Time to take a step back
If you find yourself in a relationship where you are acting like you are married but without the marriage or the commitment from your partner, it is time to step back. It is time to see him less and to focus on your own happiness. This takes you out of the victim role of waiting to be chosen and puts you in a role of confidence. You are acting in feminine energy and have the power to get what you need not by taking control but by giving him room to grow into love and commitment. I have seen this work over and over again where he realizes that he misses you and really does want you in his life permanently. He is then happy to make the commitment. A man will often feel his love for you when is faces with losing you. Give him space to figure out if you are the one for him. For more information read my previous post, “How To Get Him To Come Out Of His Shell When He Pulls Away.”
Ladies, it is important to give him time and stop pursuing him. This must be done without resentment. After all, he may not be the one for you, and slowing down and giving you both time to figure it out is the best thing in the long run. You do not want to move forward too fast and end up in the wrong relationship. You will either move forward with confidence or end the relationship knowing it is the best decision.
If you would like help putting these ideas into practice, my book, Unmasking Secrets to Unstoppable Relationships, can help. You can contact me to schedule a free strategy session to see if one of my coaching packages might be right for you.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS