“If you want to get something you have never gotten before, you’ve to do something you’ve never done before.” ~ Celestine Chua
“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein
Are you doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? You might not even realize you are doing the same things over and over, or maybe the problem is not knowing what to do differently.
One thing is for sure, if you are not getting the results you want, you have to do something different.
Are you single and finding that you end up in the same dead-end relationships over and over again? Have you married more than once only to find that the relationships were very similar? Are you single and not getting past the first date or two, or not even getting out to meet potential partners?
Are you married and dissatisfied with your relationship? Do you have the same arguments over and over again? Has the passion gone from your relationship and you don’t know how to get it back? Maybe you just feel like your relationship is in a rut.
Be Willing to Change
In order to create the kind of relationship you want, whether that means meeting the right person or changing your current relationship, you must do something different. The first step always is being willing to change. You must realize that you are in a pattern that needs to be broken and then be willing to step out into new territory. This requires letting go of blaming others and being brave enough to move forward.
Identify Your Desire
The next step is to identify what you truly want. If you are single, it is time to be clear about what qualities you are looking for in a partner. I do not mean the superficial things like height, hair color, hobbies, and the rest of the laundry list items you might have. I mean the core values of the person that you must have in common for a relationship to work.
If you are in a relationship but not happy, consider what needs to change in order for you to feel connected and loved by your partner. Keep digging deeper until you find what the core issues really are. Don’t keep spending time dealing with superficial items.
Identify What Needs to Change
Now that you are clear on what you truly want, it is easier to make the needed changes. Are there things about yourself you need to change? Are you the kind of person that your ideal partner would be attracted to? Are you dating the wrong kind of people because of chemistry or because you like something they represent? You might need to give a different type of person a chance in order to get what you are looking for. Are you being the best partner you can be in your current relationship? One of the first steps to improving a relationship is to make changes in how you treat your partner. Yes, even before they make the changes you would like to see.
Becoming clear about at least one thing you can change is a start in the right direction. You may not know what else to do at this point; that is ok. Start with something simple and go slowly.
Intentions are wonderful, but you will not see changes in your relationships if you do not follow through. If you are single, you must get out and meet new people. You might have to join a new group or sign up for online dating. Agree to meet some people that are different from your “type”. If you are in a relationship, make a list of some things you can do differently, and then actually make it a priority to follow through. I suggest having a vision of how you would like your future to be. Spend some time daily feeling successful in this vision. Then do something each day to move in that direction.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
Periodically review your progress. What have you learned? What changes do you need to make in your plan? What do you need to do less or more of? The more you learn from doing, the closer you get to defining what your true desire and what changes you need to make. Don’t get discouraged if change doesn’t happen immediately. It is a process, and you are always one step closer as long as you are moving in the right direction.
Remember to always align your thinking with your actions. Be observant about the story you are telling yourself and others. If the story is not the one you want to be living, it is time to make some changes.
I am aware that this is not always easy, and you might need some assistance. I am always available to help; call me today for your free consultation.
Lori Ann Davis, MA,CRS
Certified Relationship Specialist